DEMANDS OF FIQH AND SHARI'AH
REGARDING RELATIONS AND DEALINGS WITH PARENTS
COMPARED WITH THE MODERN TRENDS
ABSTRACT
REGARDING RELATIONS AND DEALINGS WITH PARENTS
COMPARED WITH THE MODERN TRENDS
ABSTRACT
The Ayah ordains about the respect for parents. A few other ayahs on the same subject are included. A number of ahaadith elaborating on this subject are quoted. Additionally I have included a long list of do’s and don’ts of parent-child code of behavior by scholars. Perhaps over stretched and slightly distorted, the list is educational and helpful.
All the religions of the World devote great respect for parents. Islam has taken this concept to its pinnacle; it has passed Divine Commandments for the respect of parents. In our day and age, it is pertinent to remind that in our Shari’ah Respect and Obedience to Parents is Wajib/Fard on every Muslim. Aq al Walidain i.e. Disobedience to them, on the other hand is regarded as a Major Sin i.e. Gunah-e-Kabira. The children also have Shari’ah rights over parents for their physical, emotional, financial, educational and religious support and guidance. The parents will be accountable for it on the Day of Judgement.
The parent child relationship gets challenging when the child matures into a responsible adult. In the past parents tried and were able to maintain control even in this stage. Nowadays the pendulum has swung to the other end: the child wants to decide the attitude and behaviour of the father and/or the grand-father. Seeking Allah Ta’aala’s guidance a good equilibrium can be readily achieved. Not only the “person” of the parent is always to be respected, but their views and advice and guidance should always be sought for and given due consideration. Hopefully Allah Ta’aala will forgive the children if they refuse it on the basis of their mundane and religious knowledge. However it should be done respectfully. It would be very sinful, if it is done in a dogmatic, authoritative or arrogant manner; shouting at or scolding them will be, God forbid a major sin.
Read ONLY, IF AND WHEN you have time and mood for: !
“An Ayah of the Quran for 30 Days” —May 2014
Choose the section you have time, in the next 30 days to read this ayah:-
Prelude: Recurrent Primary Message 1st. Page
Starting Dua, a note & The Ayah 2nd. Page!
A Short Summary: For the Busy Bee Three Pages!
The Main Story: Recommended Six Pages!
Footnotes: For the Perfectionist Four Pages! !!
PRELUDE
From the Pen and Perspective of a self-styled PPK Muslim (Proud,Practicing, Knowledgeable) with a humble submission that Islam totally rejects Blind Following BUT vigorously focusses on the Limitations of Pure Human Reasoning..............and clearly and comprehensively AlLAH knows best.
In the beginning of the seventh century C.E., the folks of Mecca and Medina
had a fascinatingly unique window: they had direct access to the Heavens
through one of their own. They were blessed with a regular stream of Divine
counseling and guidelines. Question and answer sessions were part of the
program. Even individual questioner was graced by an answer. In the short
Introduction to this scheme they were assured that at the end of this
twenty-two year project, Divine Directions and Admonitions will continue
through the agency of the PEN. The whole discourse has been preserved and
archived till eternity under the guarantee of our Lord and Creator. This record
in known as the Quran.
It should sound unbelievable but factually appears to be true: Many of our
prevalent, widespread and important concepts and opinions about religious
matters do not have a basis in the Quran and sometimes even appear to be in
obvious conflict with the teachings of the Quran. It would be very educative and
helpful to discuss an Ayah once a month to see if it supports or rejects our views
and actions in our daily life. I wish and hope this email generates a fruitful
interactive discussion.
In the name of Allah, we praise HIM, seek HIS help and ask for HIS forgiveness.
Whosoever Allah guideth none can misguide; whosoever HE allows to fall astray, none
can guide him right. We bear witness that there is none worthy of worship but Allah
alone and we bear witness that Mohammed, SAW is HIS slave-servant and the Seal of
HIS Messengers.
Further, we recall that Allah Ta’aala has declared in HIS Book1 “He granteth
wisdom to whom He pleaseth; and he to whom wisdom is granted receiveth indeed a
benefit overflowing; but none will grasp the Message (or remember or receive
admonition) but men of understanding (or intellect)” and we also recall that he has
warned us about the day of judgement2 “Then on that day you shall most certainly be
questioned about the boons (joy, pleasure).” We realise, that there cannot be a greater
boon or blessing or benefit than wisdom and we wonder if this should be a timely
reminder to very many of us sincere and practicing Muslims who use our critical
thinking to enhance the mundane for ourselves and our families but resort to
compulsory following -- taqleed, doctrine of classical Sunni Islamic Fiqh -- in matters
religion. !
(NOTE: I have filtered out the proofs and details into the Footnotes for those who have
the time and interest for them. The main email will then be reasonable length, hopefully
for the busy majority. What follows is not a sermon; I do not feel qualified to give one,
anyhow. I wish, it may provide a food for thought. A caveat seems in order: If the ayah
selected pertains to issues we face in our daily life with our family, friends, neighbours
or peers it may affect us personally and lead to some self analysis and soul searching
which in turn could be divisive and distressing. If taken in the right spirit, it can be a
humble attempt towards finding the “straight path”.) !
THE AYAH
Surah Al- Isra (17), Ayah 23
“And your Lord has decreed that you should not worship any except Him (only) and (to
show) fairest companionship to parents (also translated as be good, kind, dutiful) ; in
case ever one or both of them reaches old age (Literally: being great "in years") in your
presence, do not say to them, "Fie!" (uff in Arabic) nor scold them; and speak to them
respectful words (Literally: say to them an honorable saying).” Dr. Ghali
A SHORT VERSION
“I am convinced about the veracity of my opinions, but I do consider it
likely that they may turn out to be incorrect. Likewise, I am convinced
about the incorrectness of the views different from mine, but I do concede
the possibility that they may turn out to be correct.” — Imam Shafa’i
“The Ayah” ordains about the respect for parents. Let me begin with some additional
ayahs on this subject, starting with the one that immediately follows the ayah of our
discussion:3 (translations by Yusuf Ali)
1) “And lower unto them the wing of submission (or humility) through mercy, and say:
My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did care for me when I was little.”
2) “We have enjoined on man kindness to parents: but if they (either of them) strive (to
force) thee to join with Me (in worship) anything of which thou hast no knowledge, obey
them not. Ye have (all) to return to me, and I will tell you (the truth) of all that ye did.”
3) “We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him,
and in pain did she give him birth.”
4) “And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did
his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show
gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal. But if they strive to make
thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not;
yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration), and follow the way
of those who turn to me (in love): in the end the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell
you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did.”
5) “They ask thee what they should spend (In charity). Say: Whatever ye spend that is
good, is for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for wayfarers. And
whatever ye do that is good, -Allah knoweth it well.”
6) “……..For parents, a sixth share of the inheritance to each, if the deceased left
children; if no children, and the parents are the (only) heirs, the mother has a third; if
the deceased Left brothers (or sisters) the mother has a sixth. (The distribution in all
cases ('s) after the payment of legacies and debts. Ye know not whether your parents or
your children are nearest to you in benefit. These are settled portions ordained by Allah;
and Allah is All-knowing, Al-wise.”
7) ”O our Lord! cover (us) with Thy Forgiveness - me, my parents, and (all) Believers, on
the Day that the Reckoning will be established!”
8) ”O my Lord! Forgive me, my parents, all who enter my house in Faith……. !
Through out Human history, all societies, cultures and religions have given a special
position of honor to Parents in recognition of the pain, suffering, effort, treasure and
sacrifices that they endured to see a tiny little doll in their arms grow into a strong
struggling person. Islam takes this trend to its pinnacle by enforcing it with Divine
Commandments. Obedience and respect to parents is wajib/fard on children. On the
other hand Aq al-Waledain — disobedience to parents — is one of the Great Sins i.e.
Gunah-e-Kabira. The parent-child code of behavior in Islam is unique. It is a life long
process. Not only, is it mutual and reciprocal but it is a dynamic relationship: it changes
in quantity and direction as both of them grow in age and knowledge.
As noted above the ayah starts with the command to worship Allah alone and then goes
on to add the injunctions to be good and dutiful to our Parents raising this duty to the
status of wajib/fard on us, as pointed out by Imam al-Qurtubi. Mufti Mohammed Shafi
states “being grateful to parents, like being grateful to Allah Ta’aala is wajib.” This view
is supported by a hadith : A person reportedly asked the Holy Prophet “which is the
most favored deed in the sight of Allah”. “Salah at its time.” The person again asked
“Which is the most favored deed after that?” To that he said “Treating parents
well” (Qurtabi; Sahih Bukhari).
A number of Ahaadith emphasize the importance of duty and respect for parents such
as: Ibn Majah reports on the authority of Sayyidna Abu Ummah that a person asked the
Holy Prophet “What rights do parents have on their children?” He said “They both are
your Paradise or Hell.” It means that obeying and serving parents take one to Jannah
and their disobedience and displeasure to Jahannam.
Allah Ta’aala has made it very clear in HIS Book (nos. 2 and 4 in the list above) that the
obedience to parents is wajib/fard only in what is permissible; definitely not in what is
sinful. There is a hadith to elaborate on this:
“There is not obedience to the created in the disobedience of the Creator.”
Non-Muslims parents deserve the same respect from their Muslim children. The Quran
declares (No. 4 in the list above): “……yet bear them company in this life with justice ,,,,
(and consideration).” This ruling is additionally supported by an event quoted by Imam
al-Qurtubi from Sahih Bukhari: Sayyida Asma asked the Holy Prophet “My mother, a
Mushriq comes to see me. Is it permissible to entertain her?” He replied “sile Ummaki” (
i.e. respect the bond of relationship with your mother and entertain her).”
The Quranic injunction “do not say to them, "Fie!" (uff in Arabic)” deserves some
elaboration. It denotes every word or gesture or expression that shows one’s displeasure
which would even include a long breath after hearing something that they have said. We
have been specially advised “nor scold them.” On the other hand we are enjoined “and
speak to them respectful words.” The beautiful and lyrical verse(no.1 in the list above)
“And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy” is very well commented on by
Mufti Mohammed Shafi “lending the sense that one should stand in a sense of
submission and humility as a mark of respect for parents. Realizing that we may not be
able to do full justice to our parents Allah Ta’aala is guiding us through our beloved
Prophet to also pray for them (no.1 in the list above) “and say: My Lord! Have mercy on
them both”. This allows us to serve our parents through out our lives, long after their
death.
So far so good. We have discussed the Theology and Theory of the status of Parents in
an Islamic Society in the light of Quran and the Sunnah of our Holy Prophet. It is the
operational part of this theology that really creates many practical challenges for us in
modern life. The application of the values discussed hitherto is very difficult if not
extinct. Are these values really relevant to our times? A Muslim dare not ask this
question as it is a dictate of Allah Ta’aala in HIS holy Book. Additionally it has great
practical importance for the Muslims of the twenty first century. It ensures our
moorings to our Deen. Relating to our parents converts the celebrated “generation gap”
into a “relay of generations. ” A path is set — from parents to children to children — for
a continuous and permanent transmission of our religious, family, social and cultural
values over the course of time.
In the past, parents tended to control the children and even grand children. Nowadays
the pendulum seems to have swung to the opposite extreme. The children want to
decide what sort of parents and grandparents they want to have on the premise that the
parents are outdated and fossilized. Even those who welcome them in their “house”,
want them to stay away from their “homes”. This amounts to gun’ah (sin) as it is a clear
violation of Quranic injunctions and the sunnah of the Holy Prophet quoted above.
As usual the devil is in the details. What does “respect”for parents involve. Does it
require complete obedience in all matters? What, when the children are mature and
independent? Is it completely unrelated to the curriculum vitae of the parents? Yes and
No. Whatever the credentials of the parents, their “person” needs complete and
perpetual respect. They need special consideration in old age and disease. To repeat, this
is Wajib/Fard on every Muslim.
What about the views, ideas and thoughts of the parents on the problems of life? The
parents are dictated by the Shari’ah to look after the needs of their children and to
navigate them on to the path of our Deen. They will be accountable on the Day of
Judgement if they fail to do it. The Holy Prophet has said: “The parents are liable to be
‘Aaq’ in the same way as the children who do not fulfill the rights of the parents become
involved in the sin of ‘Uqūq’ (plural of Aaq).” “Al-Hamdo LilLah q” is a sin, the punishment of which is promised in the Qur’an and the traditions.
If so, are the children supposed to obey them? Is it wajib/fard on them to obey the
parents in these matters even after they themselves are mature? The traditional scholars
would call compliance mandatory even at this stage. This is the area, however where the
relative qualities of parent and child — level of education, maturity, wisdom etc.— will
have to come into play to make it pragmatic and prudent. Given faith in Allah, a good
balance and equilibrium can be established between the child and the parent in
following the dictates set by God Almighty and the Holy Prophet. If he differs on the
basis of his knowledgable and expertise and is sure that his views are consistent with
dictates of our Deen, Allah Ta’aala will hopefully forgive her/him if s/he respectfully
refuses it . It would be very sinful, if it is done in a dogmatic, authoritative or arrogant
manner; shouting at or scolding them will be, God forbid a major sin.
Aaq al-Walidayn (Disobedience to parents) is a Major Sin (gunah-e-kabira) in our
Shari’ah. The Holy Prophet has said: “Beware! Abstain from angering the parents. The
fragrance of Paradise is perceived even at a distance of a thousand years, but those who
are disobedient to parents and those who cut off ties with relatives will not be able to
smell it.”
There are many ahaadith and profuse literature on the subject of Disobedience to
Parents and on the Rights of Children over parents.
........and Allah knows best.
May Allah Ta’aala bless us with true understanding--“fahm”--of our Deen, Aameen.
THE MAIN STORY
“I am convinced about the veracity of my opinions, but I do consider it
likely that they may turn out to be incorrect. Likewise, I am convinced
about the incorrectness of the views different from mine, but I do concede
the possibility that they may turn out to be correct.” — Imam Shafa’i
In “the Ayah” Bari Ta’aala has ordained us about our attitudes, behaviour and duties to
our parents and repeats it many times in the Holy Quran. I see a special need of
deliberating on them because the Western trend and culture of demeaning age and
seniority and frowning on conformity is now world wide; the father is labelled as the
“old man” very early in life. This is specially so in Muslim immigrant families. To start
with, let me reinforce with some additional ayahs on this subject beginning with the
one that immediately follows the ayah of our discussion:3 (translations by Yusuf Ali)
1) “And lower unto them the wing of submission (or humility) through mercy, and say:
My Lord! Have mercy on them both as they did care for me when I was little.” !
2) “We have enjoined on man kindness to parents: but if they (either of them) strive (to
force) thee to join with Me (in worship) anything of which thou hast no knowledge, obey
them not. Ye have (all) to return to me, and I will tell you (the truth) of all that ye did.” !
3) “We have enjoined on man kindness to his parents: In pain did his mother bear him,
and in pain did she give him birth.” !
4) “And We have enjoined on man (to be good) to his parents: in travail upon travail did
his mother bear him, and in years twain was his weaning: (hear the command), "Show
gratitude to Me and to thy parents: to Me is (thy final) Goal. But if they strive to make
thee join in worship with Me things of which thou hast no knowledge, obey them not;
yet bear them company in this life with justice (and consideration), and follow the way
of those who turn to me (in love): in the end the return of you all is to Me, and I will tell
you the truth (and meaning) of all that ye did.” !
5) “They ask thee what they should spend (In charity). Say: Whatever ye spend that is
good, is for parents and kindred and orphans and those in want and for wayfarers. And
whatever ye do that is good, -Allah knoweth it well.” !
6) “……..For parents, a sixth share of the inheritance to each, if the deceased left
children; if no children, and the parents are the (only) heirs, the mother has a third; if
the deceased Left brothers (or sisters) the mother has a sixth. (The distribution in all
cases ('s) after the payment of legacies and debts. Ye know not whether your parents or
your children are nearest to you in benefit. These are settled portions ordained by Allah;
and Allah is All-knowing, Al-wise.” !
7) ”O our Lord! cover (us) with Thy Forgiveness - me, my parents, and (all) Believers, on
the Day that the Reckoning will be established!” !
8) ”O my Lord! Forgive me, my parents, all who enter my house in Faith……. !
Through out Human history, all societies, cultures and religions have given a special
position of honor to Parents in recognition of the pain, suffering, effort, treasure and
sacrifices that they endured to see a tiny little doll in their arms grow into a strong
struggling person. Islam takes this trend to its pinnacle by enforcing this with Divine
Commandments. Obedience and respect to parents is wajib/fard on children. On the
other hand Aq al-Waledain — disobedience to parents — is one of the Great Sins i.e.
Gunah-e-Kabira. Likewise the parents have been assigned duties and responsibilities to
cater to all the physical, educational and religious needs of the child and to ensure a
happy and balanced individual. They will be accountable on the Day of Judgement for
any dereliction of this duty. The parent-child code of behavior in Islam is unique. It is a
life long process. Not only, is it mutual and reciprocal but it is a dynamic relationship: it
changes in quantity and direction as both of them grow in age and knowledge. !
Dr. Mohammed Asad, commenting on this ayah says “Whereas God is the real, ultimate
cause of man's coming to life, his parents are its outward, immediate cause: and so the
preceding call to God is followed by the injunction to honour and cherish one's parents.”
He adds that in Arabic, uff is a word or sound indicative of contempt, dislike or disgust. !
Maulana Mufti Mohammed Shafi has discussed the Quranic injunctions for the Parents
at length in an appealing and effective manner. I will be dipping into it frequently to
lend scholarly authority to my discourse.
As noted above the ayah starts with the command to worship Allah alone and then goes
on to add the injunctions to be good and dutiful to our Parents raising this duty to the
status of wajib/fard on us, as pointed out by Imam al-Qurtubi. A similar instruction is
made elsewhere "Show gratitude to Me and to thy parents:” (See no. 4 in the list above)
where the mandatory need to thank Allah Ta’aala Subhanahoo has been combined with
the need to thank one’s parents. “This proves”, according to Mufti Mohammed Shafi “that
after the obligation of worshipping the most exalted Allah, obeying parents is most
important and being grateful to parents, like being grateful to Allah Ta’aala is wajib.”
This view is supported by a hadith : A person reportedly asked the Holy Prophet “which
is the most favored deed in the sight of Allah”. “Salah at its time.” The person again
asked “ Which is the most favored deed after that?” To that he said “Treating parents
well” (Qurtabi; Sahih Bukhari). !
A number of Ahaadith, from Tafseer Mazhari emphasize the importance of duty and
respect for parents:
1) In the Musnad of Ahmed, Tirmidhi, Ibn Majah and Mustadrak Hakim, it has been
reported on sound authority from Sayyidna Abu ‘d Darda that the Holy Prophet
said “ A father is the main gate of Jannah. Now it is unto you to preserve it or waste
it.”
2) According to a report from Sayyidna Abdullah Ibn Umer appearing in Jami Al
Tirmidhi and al-Mustadrak of al- Hakim (which Hakim rates as Sahih) the Holy
Prophet said “The pleasure of Allah is in pleasure of a Father and the displeasure of
Allah is in the displeasure of a father.”
3) Ibn Majah reports on the authority of Sayyidna Abu Ummah that a person asked
the Holy Prophet “What rights do parents have on their children?” He said “They
both are your Paradise or Hell.” It means that obeying and serving parents take one
to Jannah and their disobedience and displeasure to Jahannam.
4) Al Baihaqi (in Sh’uab al Iman) and Ibn Asakir have reported on the authority of
Sayyidna Ibn Abbas that the Holy Prophet said “For one who remained obedient to
his parents for the sake of Allah two gates of Paradise will remain open. And for one
who disobeyed them two gates of hell shall remain open, and if he has only one of
the two, either father or mother, then, one gate (of Paradise or Hell shall remain
open). Thereupon some one asked, “Does it (the warning of hell) hold good even
when the parents have been unjust to this person?” Then he said thrice “even if they
are unjust, even if they are unjust, even if they are unjust.” Mufti Mohammed Shafi
comments “The outcome is that children have no right to settle scores with their
parents. If they have been unjust, it does not follow that they too can back out from
obeying and serving them.”
5) Al-Baihaqi has reported on the authority of Sayyidna Abdullah Ibn Abbas that the
Holy Prophet said, “An obedient son who looks at his parents with mercy and
affection receives the reward of one accepted Hajj against every such look casted.”
People around said, “What if he were to look at them like that a hundred times
during the day?’ He said “Yes, a hundred times, too (he will keep receiving that
reward). Allah is great (HIS treasures never run short).”
6) Imam Ja'far al-Sadiq, the great-great-grandson of the Prophet Muhammad is
reported to have quoted Sayyidna Ali that, "disobedience to parents is a major sin."
He also stated that, "if a person looks at the face of his or her parents with wrathful
eyes, despite the fact that injustice was done to him or her by the parents, his or her
salah (prayer) will not be accepted by God.”
7) According to one of the Hadith-e-Qudsi about the status of parents: "God has
commanded that if anybody prays equal to the invocations performed by the prophets,
such prayers will do no good if that person has been cursed by his or her parents."
Lastly their is a hadith to suggest that the punishment for failing in one’s duty to
parents may be meted out in his life time:
8) In Shu’ab al-Imam, al-Baihaqui has reported on the authority of Sayyidna Abu
Bakrah that the Holy Prophet said, “As for all those other sins, Allah Ta’aala defers
whichever HE wills unto the last day of Qiyamah - except the sin of depriving the
parents of their rights and disobeying them. The punishment for that is given, much
before comes the hereafter, right here in this world as well.”
Allah Ta’aala has made it very clear in HIS Book (nos. 2 and 4 in the list above) that the
obedience to parents is wajib/fard only in what is permissible; definitely not in what is
sinful. There is a hadith to elaborate on this:
“There is not obedience to the created in the disobedience of the Creator.”
It would be a great relief and pleasure for the newly converts and inter-faith marriages
to realise that Non-Muslims parents deserve the same respect from their Muslim
children. The Quran declares (No. 4 in the list above): “……yet bear them company in
this life with justice ,,,,(and consideration).” This ruling is additionally supported by an
event quoted by Imam al-Qurtubi: Sayyida Asma asked the Holy Prophet “My mother, a
Mushriq comes to see me. Is it permissible to entertain her?” He replied “sile Ummaki”
(i.e. respect the bond of relationship with your mother and entertain her).”
Quoting various ahaadith, Mufti Mohammed Shafi draws certain “rulings” about the
status of respect for parents:
Till Jihad is a Fard al- Kifayah (collective obligation) and has not become
a Fard al-Ain (individual obligation), it is not permissible for any son to participate in it
without the permission of his parents
Traveling for Da’wah and Tabligh or acquiring knowledge needs parents
permission
espect for parents includes good treatment with relatives and friends
close to them, specially after their death. Our Holy Prophet used to send gifts to the lady
friends of Sayyidah Khadija.
The various ayahs quoted above, emphasizes our responsibilities to our parents specially
when they get week, helpless and dependent in their old age or due to illness. The Quran
reminds us of the struggle, pain and suffering that our parents, specially the mother
underwent when we were week, helpless and dependent by saying (no. 3 in the list
above): “ as they cherished me in childhood; In pain did his mother bear him, and in
pain did she give him birth; in travail upon travail did his mother bear him, and in years
twain was his weaning.”
The Quranic injunction “do not say to them, "Fie!" (uff in Arabic)” deserves some
elaboration. It denotes every word or gesture or expression that shows one’s displeasure
which would even include a long breath after hearing something that they have said. A
hadith narrated by Sayyidna Ali quotes the Holy Prophet as saying “Had there been
some other degree of hurting lesser than saying of Uff, that too would certainly have
been mentioned.” We have been specially advised “nor scold them.” On the other hand
we are enjoined “and speak to them respectful words.” The beautiful and lyrical
verse(no.1 in the list above) “And lower to them the wing of humility out of mercy” is
very well commented on by Mufti Mohammed Shafi “lending the sense that one should
stand in a sense of submission and humility as a mark of respect for parents. The
addition of the expression - out of mercy - at the end of the verse is there to warn that
this stance of grace should not be a mere show-off, instead it should be adopted on
strong foundation of genuine, heart-felt respect and compassion for them.” Realizing
that we may not be able to do full justice to our parents Allah Ta’aala is guiding us
through our beloved Prophet to also pray for them (no.1 in the list above) “and say: My
Lord! Have mercy on them both”. This allows us to serve our parents through out our
lives, long after the their death. According to the traditional scholars, prayers for non-
Muslim parents is allowed only during their lifetime to deliver them from worldly
distress and in the hope that they may see the Truth; after their demise this is not
permissible. I wonder, why?
So far so good. We have discussed the Theology and Theory of the status of Parents in
an Islamic Society in the light of Quran and the Sunnah of our Holy Prophet. It is the
operational part of this theology that really creates many practical challenges for us in
modern life. This is magnified in places like India where 15 % of Muslims share their
country with 85% of non-Muslims or where Muslims form 3 t0 6% in a secular, liberal
and pleural society like the US. However in our hyper-connected planet, the Western
concepts of demeaning age and discarding conformity have widely infected even the
Muslim majority countries. Hence the application of the values discussed hitherto is
very difficult if not extinct. Are these values really relevant to our times? A Muslim dare
not ask this question as it is a dictate of Allah Ta’aala in HIS holy Book. Additionally it
has great practical importance for the Muslims of the twenty first century. It ensures our
moorings to our Deen. Relating to our parents, guarantees that we maintain a sense of
direction without in anyway restricting our movements. It converts the celebrated
“generation gap” into a “relay of generations” where a parent is able to relate even to his
grand children via his children, metaphorically. Somebody respecting his parents will
definitely see that his children respect their grand parents. A path is set — from parents
to children to children — for a continuous and permanent transmission of our religious,
family, social and cultural values over the course of time.
In the past, parents tended to control the children and even grand children. They
regarded themselves as the executive Head of the family and were often accepted as
such. I think this is against the spirit of Allah’s commandments. Nowadays, the
pendulum seems to have swung to the opposite extreme. Now children want to decide
what sort of parents and grandparents they want to have on the premise that the parents
are outdated and fossilized. Even those who welcome them in their “house”, want them
to stay away from their “homes”. This is a gunah (a sin) as it is a clear violation of
Quranic injunctions and the sunnah of the Holy Prophet quoted above.
As usual the devil is in the details. What does “respect”for parents involve. Does it
require complete obedience in all matters? What, when the children are mature and
independent? Is it completely unrelated to the curriculum vitae of the parents? Yes and
No. Whatever the credentials of the parents, their “person” needs complete and
perpetual respect. They deserve tender love and care; they need consideration and
respect in all the dealings. Their needs and comforts have to be looked after. They need
special consideration in old age and disease. All these, just because they are the parents;
whatever else they may or may not be. To repeat, this is Wajib/Fard on every Muslim. !
What about the views, ideas and thoughts of the parents on the problems of life? The
parents are dictated by the Shari’ah to look after the needs of their children and to
navigate them on to the path of our Deen; these are the rights of children over their
parents; the parents are also required to be kind and reasonable. They will be
accountable on the Day of Judgement if they fail to do it. It is a great sin and will make
the parents “Aq”. The Holy Prophet has said: “The parents are liable to be ‘Aq’ in the
same way as the children who do not fulfill the rights of the parents become involved in
the sin of ‘Uqūq’ (plural of Aq).” “Aq” is a sin, the punishment of which is promised in
the Qur’an and the traditions.
If so, the parents should and will suggest, guide and advise their children based on their
views and knowledge. Are the children supposed to obey them? Is it wajib/fard on them
to obey the parents in these matters even after they themselves are mature? The
traditional scholars would call compliance mandatory even at this stage. This is the area,
however where the relative qualities of parent and child — level of education, maturity,
wisdom, experience, general knowledge , social, professional and financial status,
strength of character, force of personality etc.— will have to come into play to make it
pragmatic and prudent. Right after A-level I was useless as a parent to my son in
professional matters as he had chosen Applied Physics and studied at Caltech and later
Harvard. As against this I could advise my daughter all through her career because she
was at the Aga Khan Medical University which was one the bases I worked. Given faith
in Allah, a good balance and equilibrium can be established between the child and the
parent in following the dictates set by God Almighty and the Holy Prophet. Initially
parents are the only source of help, assistance, advice and guidance to child. Overtime
the relative position gradually changes and finally may take a full turn when the helping
hand becomes the dependent hand. At every stage the parents should be, as dictated by
the ayahs and ahaadith discussed here an important source of reference in important
matters of our daily life. Most parents would allow children to lead their own life in most
matters. However, they have a duty imposed by and a right given by Shari’ah to advise
their children on important issues specially religious. In turn, the child is required by
the same Shari’ah to deliberate on it with an open mind. If he differs on the basis of his
knowledgable and expertise and is sure that his views are consistent with dictates of our
Deen, Allah Ta’aala will hopefully forgive her/him if s/he respectfully refuses it. It would
be very sinful, if it is done in a dogmatic, authoritative or arrogant manner; shouting at
or scolding them will be, God forbid a major sin.
Aq al-Walidayn (Disobedience to parents) is a Msjor Sin (gunah-e-kabira) in our
Shari’ah. A tradition of the Prophet says that the greatest sins are Shirk and
disobedience to one’s parents. Associating it with Shirk which is an unforgivable and
greatest of all major sins emphasizes the seriousness of disobedience to parents.“Aq” is
a sin, the punishment of which is promised in the Qur’an and the traditions. The Holy
Prophet has said: “Beware! Abstain from angering the parents. The fragrance of
Paradise is perceived even at a distance of a thousand years, but those who are
disobedient to parents and those who cut off ties with relatives will not be able to smell
it.”
There are many ahaadith and profuse literature on the subject of Disobedience to
Parents and on the Rights of Children over parents.4
........and Allah knows best.
May Allah Ta’aala bless us with true understanding--“fahm”--of our Deen, Aameen.
FOOTNOTES!
(1) Surah 2/269
يُؤْتِي الْحِكْمَةَ مَنْ يَشَاءُ وَمَنْ يُؤْتَ الْحِكْمَةَ فَقَدْ أُوتِيَ خَيْرًا كَثِيرًا وَمَا يَذَّكَّرُ إِلَّا أُولُواْ الْأَلْبَابِ
(2) Surah 102/8
ثُمَّ لَتُسْأَلُنَّ يَوْمَئِذٍ عَنِ النَّعِيمِ
(3)
Surah 17/24
وَاخْفِضْ لَهُمَا جَنَاحَ الذُّلِّ مِنَ الرَّحْمَةِ وَقُلْ رَبِّ ارْحَمْهُمَا كَمَا رَبَّيَانِي صَغِيرًا
Surah 29/8
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حُسْنًا وَإِنْ جَاهَدَاكَ لِتُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُمْ بِمَا كُنْتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
Surah 46/15 (part of ayah)
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ إِحْسَانًا حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ كُرْهًا وَوَضَعَتْهُ كُرْهًا
Surah 31/14-15
وَوَصَّيْنَا الْإِنْسَانَ بِوَالِدَيْهِ حَمَلَتْهُ أُمُّهُ وَهْنًا عَلَى وَهْنٍ وَفِصَالُهُ فِي عَامَيْنِ أَنِ اشْكُرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيْكَ إِلَيَّ الْمَصِيرُ
وَإِنْ جَاهَدَاكَ عَلى أَنْ تُشْرِكَ بِي مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِ عِلْمٌ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِي الدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًا وَاتَّبِعْ سَبِيلَ مَنْ أَنَابَ إِلَيَّ ثُمَّ إِلَيَّ مَرْجِعُكُمْ فَأُنَبِّئُكُمْ بِمَا كُنْتُمْ تَعْمَلُونَ
Surah 2/215
يَسْأَلُونَكَ مَاذَا يُنْفِقُونَ قُلْ مَا أَنْفَقْتُمْ مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَلِلْوَالِدَيْنِ وَالْأَقْرَبِينَ وَالْيَتَامَى وَالْمَسَاكِينِ وَابْنِ السَّبِيلِ وَمَا تَفْعَلُوا مِنْ خَيْرٍ فَإِنَّ اللَّهَ بِهِ عَلِيمٌ
Surah 4/11 ( Part of the ayah)
وَلِأَبَوَيْهِ لِكُلِّ وَاحِدٍ مِنْهُمَا السُّدُسُ مِمَّا تَرَكَ إِنْ كَانَ لَهُ وَلَدٌ فَإِنْ لَمْ يَكُنْ لَهُ وَلَدٌ وَوَرِثَهُ أَبَوَاهُ فَلِأُمِّهِ الثُّلُثُ فَإِنْ كَانَ لَهُ إِخْوَةٌ فَلِأُمِّهِ السُّدُسُ مِنْ بَعْدِ وَصِيَّةٍ يُوصِي بِهَا أَوْ دَيْنٍ آَبَاؤُكُمْ وَأَبْنَاؤُكُمْ لَا تَدْرُونَ أَيُّهُمْ أَقْرَبُ لَكُمْ نَفْعًا فَرِيضَةً مِنَ اللَّهِ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كَانَ عَلِيمًا حَكِيمًا ﴿4:11﴾
Surah 14/41
رَبَّنَا اغْفِرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيَّ وَلِلْمُؤْمِنِينَ يَوْمَ يَقُومُ الْحِسَابُ
Surah 71/28
رَبِّ اغْفِرْ لِي وَلِوَالِدَيَّ وَلِمَنْ دَخَلَ بَيْتِيَ مُؤْمِنًا
(4) Despite a lot of over-stretching and distortion, the following account could be useful:
“One who displeases the parents, (it is as if) he has displeased Allah. One who
angers both his parents (it is as if) he has angered Allah.”!
“One who hurts his parents, hurts me and one who hurts me has hurt Allah. And
the one who hurts Allah is accursed.”
Aq al-Walidayn (disobedience to parents) is not eligible For Divine Forgiveness, his
prayer is not accepted and it causes poverty and misfortune. Benevolence to Parents is
Wajib. Service to parents is better than Jihad, kindness to Parents is the expiation of
sins, satisfaction of Parents is satisfaction of Allah and Angels pray for those who do
good to their Parents.
A letter on various aspects of Islamic Shari’ah, written by Hazrat Imam Riďa to Mamun,
include the following: “Benevolence to parents is Wajib even if both of them are
‘Mushrik’. However obedience to parents is not Wajib if their order is against the orders
of the Creator.”
Allama Majlisi writes in his commentary on al-Kāfi: “ q al-Walidayn means that the son
or the daughter cause disrespect to parents by speech or actions. Or they do not obey
them in matters which are within reason and matters which are not in any way against
religion. q al-Walidayn is absolutely Harām. The books of traditions of both the Shias
as well as the Sunnis validate this fact.” To look at the parents with anger is q; also to
cause unhappiness to the parents results in q. It is Harām to take any step, which one
is sure, will displease the parents. On the other hand, benevolence to Parents is Wajib.
The Islamic Shari’a has prescribed certain matters wherein it is necessary to obtain the
permission of both the parents or at least of one of them. For example, the Wajib al-
Kifaya acts like Jihad, or the Mustahab acts like the recommended fasts, or matters like
taking an oath, vow and promises. In all such cases it is Wajib to obtain the parents’
permission.
Numerous traditions have recorded how to respect and honor the parents:
1) One must not address the parents by their names. However, they can be addressed
! by their title or kunniya.
2) One must not precede them while walking, nor should one sit down before them.
3) While having meals one should not begin before the parents. Hazrat Imam Zayn- ul-’Abidīn did not have meals with his mother for the fear that he may pick a morsel which she intended to.
4) One must never sit with one’s back to our parents in a gathering.
5) While speaking, one’s voice should not rise above the voice of one’s parents.
6) One should not do anything that would cause the parents to become a butt of criticism. We must not insult the parents of others, or they would insult our parents in retaliation.
7) Hazrat Sajjad saw a young man walking on the street with the support of his father’s
! hand. He was much displeased and did not even speak to the boy again.
8) It is the unanimous opinion of the jurists that ‘Ahsan’ of parents means refraining from
! everything that displeases them.
The following actions are considered disrespectful to parents:
1) Not providing them with the necessities, thus compelling them to beg for them.
2) Not inviting them to a function where others have been invited.
3) Not getting presents for them from a place where one had been to, on a journey.
In addition, the jurists also consider the following actions Harām:
1) To turn away from the parents with disdain.
2) To sit with one’s back towards the parents.
3) To speak in a voice louder than the parents.
4) Walking ahead of the parents.
If any of them do not cause disrespect or displeasure, they are allowed. However, to
refrain from them is ‘mustahab’
Just as it is Wajib for the children to respect, honour and fulfill the rights of their parents,
it is incumbent upon the mother and the father to fulfill the rights, which the children
have upon them. If the parents do not fulfill these rights, it would amount to Qat’a ar-
Rahm which is a great sin and will make the parents “Aq”. Further, the parents should
not impose unbearable commands upon the children such that the children are forced to find excuses for not obeying them and thus become ‘ Aq’. The Holy Prophet has said:“The parents are liable to be ‘ q’ in the same way as the children who do not fulfill the rights of the parents become involved in the sin of ‘Uqūq’ (plural of q).” It is therefore a
solemn duty of the parents to behave kindly with their children and give them a good
training and education. They should keep them under gentle control and must not do
anything that would cause them to be ‘Aq’
Some of the rights of children upon their parents, as enunciated by educated jurists
include maintenance of children, arranging their marriage and religious education and
training. The injunction of Amr bil Ma’rūf and Nahy Anil Munkar must be kept in mind.
The Holy Prophet has said: “Be affectionate to your children and have mercy upon
them. When you promise them something, fulfill your promise because the children
repose hope only in the parents. When a promise is not fulfilled, it causes dissatisfaction
and strains relationships. Certainly Allah is most wrathful when the women and children
are disheartened.” He has also told that when a person kisses his child, a good deed is
recorded in his Sahifat al-Amāl (Scroll of deeds). According to some scholars!
the parents have been ordered to be more kind towards the daughters. It is mustahab
that when a father brings something for the children he must first offer it to the daughter.
If the children oppose the parents, they must never be abused or reviled. The curses of
the parents cause an increase in the misery of the children.
